Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Ten ton brick

This is not a fun post.

I have been having problems at my job for some time. Last August I was accused of something almost laughably wrong. Or it would have been if it hadn't felt like a knife in my chest. I was cleared, but certain things stick. Even if they aren't true.

Flash forward to January. The pharmacy manager and I don't exactly see eye to eye. She pulls everyone one by one for a "private talk". I take my anti-anxiety meds, and try to get through it. It turns into a clusterfuck quickly. I am written up for insubordination, and less than a week later I get my eval. To say it was shit would be an understatement.

As hard as it is for me, I try to mediate through HR. This also blows up in my face. Everything that is wrong is blamed on my illness. This was about 2 weeks ago.

Ever since, I've been struggling badly. I can't sleep more than a few hours. I don't want to eat. I'm now getting panic attacks out of nowhere. And now I've had a total breakdown at work. I've never let my issues interfere with my job. Ever. But this is killing me, literally.

What do you do at this point? I gave up the fight. I just want to be left alone to do my job. But now it feels like I'm purposefully being targeted. This whole thing has made me completely doubt myself. I know I have issues, but I was secure in who and what I was. All this has broken that hard won foundation.

I won't quit. I have a family depending on me. But I wish like hell I could.

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