Friday, March 3, 2017

This is real

I've started the first sentence of this post a few times to try to make it flow, but brain is not cooperating. So try to bear with me here.

I try to tell my kids to let go of shit because people are stupid. Sad. But true. Yet here I am still angry about work yesterday. Nothing quite sets me off like being ignored when I was absolutely right.  I have 3 days left and I'm struggling to give a fuck enough to go get dressed for today.

Bestie is on vacation, so I'm the only tech kicking around right now. Doesn't bother me, I was the only tech for years at my last job. So, I'm pretty good at getting the flow going to get shit done. Neurotic pharmacist felt differently. She was convinced I had to have help, despite the fact I cleared everything in no time. What makes me angry is numerous things.

First, if I need help at work, I will ask. Second, if I say I've got it, then I've got it. Third, I called the bitch pharmacy manager to say she was overreacting and that I was fine.

Being ignored makes me angry. Being treated like I'm incompetent? That makes me livid.

Sitting here wondering whats the point of going in these last few days. Busting ass only to be treated like I'm an idiot isn't going to fly. Curse my friends. I'd have bailed if not for them

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

How do I normal?

Okay, so day 1 at the new job.....kind of. "Orientation", meaning can I do all the shit I claim I can. Which normally wouldn't be an issue, but.......slightly drugged out from the toothache that just won't fucking die. So this will be fun.

Typically, when I  start a new job, I try to behave as best I can for the first month or two. Kind of ease them into the crazy. But with today's cocktail of meds.....we'll see. Please god don't let me make any penis jokes or "that's what she said" today. This is really freaking hard to do.

....that's what she said. DAMNIT!

I'm so boned.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Oddly, nothing weird lately

Nothing new really to report.

The BF is finally home, you know, BOW CHICKA BOW WOW.

I did however find they opened a Torrid near me, and I'm mildly ashamed of how much I spent. I may have put on weight, but now I'll be a well dressed fatty fuckers!

And.....yeah. I got nothing.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

I want to be a princess so I can get animals to clean my house

Do other people clean their house at 8 pm or is it just me?

I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. Went to feed the dog, dropped the dog food. Started to sweep, realized the floor was sticky. Pulled out everything to mop, came across the rug cleaning solution. Kids are with my mom, so perfect time to clean the rug too. Waiting for the rug to dry, so I might as well mop the bathroom too. Well, I'm already in here so let's clean the shower and sinks. Ect, ect.

Not sure if this is OCD, ADD, or the fact I'm weird. Probably a combination of the 3. On the bright side, should be tired enough to get some actual sleep. Or I'll be finishing a bookcase at 2 am. Either way, I'll have gotten something done.

Ninja Fuckery

You know what really annoys me?

Unexplained anxiety.

I'll be sitting there, drinking my coffee or reading a book and out of nowhere I kinda start freaking out. No rhyme or reason at all. It's like a ninja just popped up behind me and smacked me for dishonoring his ancestors or their cow. Idefk.

It's very irritating. And there's nothing to do but wait for it to pass. I usually go do something physical to distract me. Not everyone handles it like that though. This time I'm randomly blogging about it. Gives me a focus point.

In other news, I am lazy and don't want to go to work. But I enjoy having electricity and living indoors. See my dilemma?

I want a sausage burrito, so I guess I might as well get dressed. Blah.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Hurray for drugs!....legally prescribed ones

Let's make this short since I have a toothache from hell, and it doesn't take long for the Norco to kick in for me.

A miracle occurred last night. I was so beaten down and ready to give my resignation before I did myself permanent psychological damage. I threw a post on Facebook begging friends to let me know if anyone was hiring for anything at all.

And an old hospital friend came more than through for me. Told me of a place and immediately sent them my number. They called less than 5 minutes later and bam! I had an interview for 9 the next morning.

Here's the miracle part, she had already heard so many things about me that I was hired ON THE SPOT. I'll work less hours and make more money. I'm still in shock. Went in to work, clocked in and gave my 2 weeks notice.

Even when things seem hopeless, and that it feels like there is no point to going on, keep going. I've been struggling for so long, and something good has finally happened. I just had to hold on long enough to get to it. I'm not saying the road ahead will be easy, but now it's a little less rocky.

More people care than you realize, and I was reminded of that. Problems will come and go. You just have to keep moving. Even if it's taking a mental health day to hide under the blankets, or finally sitting down to cry about it. Just breathe, and keep going. Life will get better, just take care of yourself until it does.

(....yeah, drugs have hit. Thank you auto correct for the spelling. All maudlin feels and rambling is on me.)

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Ten ton brick

This is not a fun post.

I have been having problems at my job for some time. Last August I was accused of something almost laughably wrong. Or it would have been if it hadn't felt like a knife in my chest. I was cleared, but certain things stick. Even if they aren't true.

Flash forward to January. The pharmacy manager and I don't exactly see eye to eye. She pulls everyone one by one for a "private talk". I take my anti-anxiety meds, and try to get through it. It turns into a clusterfuck quickly. I am written up for insubordination, and less than a week later I get my eval. To say it was shit would be an understatement.

As hard as it is for me, I try to mediate through HR. This also blows up in my face. Everything that is wrong is blamed on my illness. This was about 2 weeks ago.

Ever since, I've been struggling badly. I can't sleep more than a few hours. I don't want to eat. I'm now getting panic attacks out of nowhere. And now I've had a total breakdown at work. I've never let my issues interfere with my job. Ever. But this is killing me, literally.

What do you do at this point? I gave up the fight. I just want to be left alone to do my job. But now it feels like I'm purposefully being targeted. This whole thing has made me completely doubt myself. I know I have issues, but I was secure in who and what I was. All this has broken that hard won foundation.

I won't quit. I have a family depending on me. But I wish like hell I could.